The Parenting Style of Each Enneagram Type
Strengths, Struggles, and How to Improve Your Parenting
Have you ever experienced a moment while parenting your child when you thought, “I just don't understand what this kid wants from me. What did I do wrong?”
Yep, I’ve been there too.
I’m a mom to a 15-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy. Like most parents, I’ve stumbled my way through parenthood, trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. (And let me tell you, having a teenager is a whole different ballgame).
One of the great things about the Enneagram is its ability to show us how we operate in different aspects of our life and how we can develop and grow, including as parents.
Being aware of where we shine and where we can use help in our parenting based on our Enneagram type can help improve the relationship with our children, not to mention ourselves.
Below you will find some strengths and struggles of each of the Enneagram types as parents and ways each can improve.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 8
Strengths
Dedicated, generous, and protective
Works hard to support their children
Has a big heart that makes their children feel loved and safe
Good role models for their kids on how to be assertive and stick up for themselves
Struggles
It might be hard for them to give compliments or show their approval
They can be too demanding and controlling
Tend to not think before speaking, especially when they’re upset
They can come off as aggressive and intimidating
Things for the Type 8 Parent to Work On
Give your children credit and celebrate when they get something “right” or do things that meet your standards.
Try to reign in your impulsivity, especially when things don’t go your way. Take a breather and come back when you’ve calmed down.
Practice showing vulnerability and showing your softer side to your kids. Express your love for your family through your words.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 9
Strengths
Dedicated, supportive, and kind
Easy-going and accepting of their children’s wants and needs
Great listeners and can empathize with what their child is feeling
Routine-oriented, providing great structure for their children
Struggles
May not engage in necessary conflicts, which can cause them to behave passive-aggressively
They can sometimes be overly permissive and not authoritarian when they need to be
Can be too focused on routines and processes and unappreciative of spontaneity
May have a hard time making important decisions for the sake of the family
Things for the Type 9 Parent to Work On
Learn how to engage in conflict healthily. Stop sweeping problems under the rug. Balance your positivity and peaceful abilities with strength and humility.
Work on having a clearer set of boundaries and learning how to say no and mean it.
Try understanding what you want instead of merging with everyone else’s decisions, including your children.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 1
Strengths
Reliable and trustworthy
A good role model in being responsible
Showcases strong moral and ethical values
Consistent and fair
Struggles
Have a hard time loosening up and having fun
Puts a lot of pressure on themselves to do things the “right” way
Can be overly firm and rigid when disciplining their child(ren)
Their own self-criticism could leak over to their children
Things for the Type 1 Parent to Work On
Accept imperfections in yourself and your children. Celebrate successes even if they aren’t “perfect.”
Lighten up and allow yourself to play with your child without guilt. It’s ok to have fun once in a while. Let your child be your guide, and allow yourself to be a kid again.
Stop trying to “fix” your child by imposing your ideals on how they “should” be. Embrace them for who they are. Listen more, teach less.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 2
Strengths
Caring, empathetic, and dedicated
Warm and encouraging
Good listeners
Work hard to develop patience with their kids
Struggles
May strive to be the best parent possible but not address their flaws
Have a hard time enforcing rules and setting boundaries
Can be overprotective
May spoil their children due to their need to be liked
Things for the Type 2 Parent to Work On
Take time away from your children to address your own needs and self-care
Express to your family what you need and feel, especially when you’re feeling the effects of burnout
Practice disciplining your child without feeling guilty. It’s good to remember that parents don’t always need to be liked by their children.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 3
Strengths
Consistent, energetic, and adaptable
Model a good work ethic and how to achieve success
Great cheerleaders for their children
Organized and great at juggling everyone in the family’s activities
Struggles
Concern for their image may be modeling unhealthy expectations for appearance
They could have an internal struggle between wanting to spend time with their child and wanting to get more work done
Tend to suppress their emotions, making it hard to connect with their child on a deeper level
They could put too much pressure and expect too much out of their child without considering the child’s desires.
Things for the Type 3 Parent to Work On
Try to prioritize downtime with your child. Take a break from your busy schedule to hang out with the family with fun play or quality conversation (without multitasking!).
Get more in touch with your emotions, and don’t be afraid to get a little emotional in front of your child to demonstrate that it’s okay to have feelings.
Be cautious about pushing your child too hard. Learn to appreciate your child’s qualities, even if they don’t meet your expectations.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 4
Strengths
Creative, compassionate, and supportive
Modeling a relationship with emotions and that it’s okay to feel
Help their children value and accept their feelings
Accepting and supportive of their child’s creativity
Struggles
They could be too open with their emotions, even when it might not be appropriate to do so
They can be self-referencing and not notices their child’s needs if they differ from the 4’s own
Their dislike for routine could make it hard for children who need structure
Can sometimes be overly critical or protective
Things for the Type 4 Parent to Work On
Process your feelings and determine if they are appropriate to share in front of your child.
Practice being present when with your children. Focus your attention on them instead of what you’re feeling on the inside.
Work on creating structure and routines for your child, and try as best as possible to stick to them.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 5
Strengths
Perceptive, kind, and clever
Great at intellectual stimulation and helping their kids to develop mentally
Good at observing and noticing when their child needs something
Great sense of humor and ability to be playful with their children
Struggles
Not in touch with emotions and can find it hard to connect emotionally with their children
Their strong need for alone time can make them seem distant or unavailable
Can sometimes come off as authoritarian, demanding, and controlling
May pass off parental duties to their partner to preserve their own energy
Things for the Type 5 Parent to Work On
Try to go with the flow more. Let your child control how much time you spend doing something together instead of always enforcing time limits.
Engage more, observe less. Instead of researching and reading books about how to parent, get in there and experience it for yourself.
Be more open to experiencing emotions (yours and your child’s). Start by sharing something vulnerable about yourself. Your kids will appreciate the honesty.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 6
Strengths
Loving, nurturing, and dependable
Has a strong sense of duty and a high level of commitment
Provides a strong sense of safety and stability for their children
Have a great sense of humor
Struggles
Their anxiety and distrustful nature can cause them to be over-protective
Can project their fears onto their children
They can have a hard time relaxing with their kids, even when they’re in play mode
Has trouble seeing the positive sides of things in the present because they’re constantly worrying about the future
Things for the Type 6 Parent to Work On
Worry less, play more. Loosen up and have more fun with your children. Practice being in the present moment with them instead of worrying about what could go wrong.
Try to have more faith and trust in your kids. You can’t control what’s going to happen to them 24/7. Give them the tools and knowledge they need, and then let them out to flourish.
Notice when your fears come up. Make it a point not to project these fears onto your children. Instead, practice being in reality instead of always being in your head.
Parenting as an Enneagram Type 7
Strengths
Enthusiastic, spontaneous, and playful
Help their kids think creatively and come up with imaginative solutions to obstacles
They like exposing their children to different adventures and life experiences.
They're always looking on the positive side of things and helping their children be more optimistic
Struggles
They can be too focused on fun instead of their parental duties
Their constant positivity could hinder them from seeing their child’s negative emotions
They may have difficulty staying in the present with their children because they’re always thinking of the future
They may have a hard time enforcing authority and setting limits
Things for the Type 7 Parent to Work On
Support your child when they’re experiencing painful emotions instead of defaulting to telling them to look at the positives.
Let yourself be ok with being the “bad cop” parent and discipline your child when it’s necessary.
Check-in with your child before embarking on a new adventure to ensure they’re up for it. Sometimes they might feel overwhelmed by so much stimulation and not know how to tell you.
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Resources:
“Parenting and Family Dynamics Through The Enneagram,” Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes
“The Enneagram and Parenting,” Enneagram Explained
Better Parenting with the Enneagram by Ann Gadd