My Life Then
Many years ago, during a particularly low point in my life, I remember writing out everything I didn’t like about myself. Things like:
“I’m lazy.”
“I’m not assertive.”
“I never stick up for myself.”
I wrote these things down without really planning to do anything about it. I just knew these were things holding me back in life, and I didn’t know how to fix them.
The Book that Changed Everything
A couple of years later, I ordered a book called The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron based on a recommendation from a podcast I listened to.
I’d heard of the Enneagram before and had even taken a test that told me I was a Type One, “The Perfectionist,” but I didn’t think anything of it at the time.
When I heard the Enneagram brought up again on that podcast, I decided to retake the test on a different platform. This time, the results told me I could be a Type Nine, a Type Six, or a Type Four.
Type Six’s nickname is “The Loyalist,” a term I thought sounded most like me, so I first read that chapter in The Road Back to You. There were many things I related to with the Six – I’m a worst-case scenario thinker, I have a lot of anxiety, etc. – so I thought maybe that’s what I could be.
I explored Type Four next – “The Individualist.” As I read through the chapter, I quickly realized that this was not my Type. So, I moved on to the chapter about Type Nine labeled “The Peacemaker.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say it was like reading my life story. I related to every description and every scenario laid out on those pages.
All kinds of lightbulbs started going off in my brain:
“This is why I’m so reserved.”
“This is why I look ‘lazy’ compared to other people.”
“This is why I don’t fight for myself or say what I’m thinking.”
“I’m doing it all to avoid conflict.”
My Life Now
Knowing that ultimate “why” has been a game-changer in my life.
Since learning that I am indeed an Enneagram Type Nine (and a Self-Preservation Nine on top of that. Learn more about subtypes here), I felt like I was waking from a zombie state I’d been walking through life in.
It’s like the Enneagram gave me all the answers to life’s questions, questions I didn’t even realize I had. It has unlocked a side of me that I didn’t know existed- someone capable and who can be confident in anything I put my mind to.
Now, I’m not saying I still don’t have bad days (we’re all human, after all) or that the Enneagram has been the cure-all for my life’s problems.
But becoming more self-aware of my inner motivations has opened my eyes to many more possibilities.
Inner work has helped me grow and learn to be curious about what I’m doing and why.
It’s helped me to have more empathy for myself and others. And guess what? I even like who I am now.
When I think back on that Stacy who wrote down all the bad things she didn’t like about herself, I just want to give her a big hug and tell her things will be okay.
I’d tell her “You’ll understand why you are the way you are in time. And this wonderful thing called the Enneagram will help get you there.”
Thanks for your blog, nice to read. Do not stop.